what's going on with me?
well, my dreams are becoming more vivid.
i had a dream where i was in somewhat of a well-lit broom closet with hundreds of spiders hanging from their own silk threads hovering above my head. and i was unable to move, to get away. all different colors shapes and sizes. some falling frantically landing on me and biting me. some fighting. moving, wriggling.
that was uncomfortable. scary.
another dream about jobs and work and friends.
and how everything seems too easy for it all to just fall into my lap.
right now,
it's 2:00 am.
i have a pain in the back of my skull.
an aneurysm waiting to happen.
to snap and kill me instantly.
i'm listening to the new coldplay.
it's good so far. i think i really like it.
charlie chaplin has filled my head all evening. i love him dearly.
"smile" and all the cover versions has been making me cry tonight. i will be eternally grateful for that song.
i had a virus last week.
which i gave to all of the guys in my family and my best friend.
no girls seem to be affected.
it's a horrendous food poisoning virus.
vomiting and the like for days on end.
and it hurts like a bitch.
my microphone is dead, and i'm recording on cassette tapes.
perhaps i will post some of those tape songs on here, if i figure out a way to transfer them to the pc.
they have a different feel than a digital recorder, they really do. more real.
i laughed tremendously tonight with my best friend. he was telling me about how he had gone out to hoover dam with a friend when the sickness i gave him struck him. and he was out in the desert with this girl he likes and he started vomiting and shitting everywhere and how embarrassed he was.
"i rode 40 miles back to town in my own vomit and diarrhea" and i felt so terrible but it was so funny and we both laughed the night away.
i talked to my ex this evening.
i saw her the other night at the show.
and she took off quickly.
she had been fired that day from her job. laid off.
i don't want bad blood.
it was a half hour conversation.
i ended it.
i still have her stuff and that was really the point of me calling.
i want to give it back.
she wants some other stuff and i am more than happy to give it to her because it reminds me of her and i can't stand it.
she wanted to come pick it up tomorrow,
and then i felt bad,
because i told her no.
i can't see her.
i just can't.
i was supposed to hang out with this girl tonight.
at 9pm.
and i got all ready.
looking nice, smelling good,
you know - my thang.
and i fell asleep waiting up for her.
this has happened to me 2-3 times in the past month.
i think i'm going to give up trying.
girls don't have the guts to tell you no sometimes, and it's worse when you're stood up. this one girl even forgot we HAD plans.
they have some of the most bullshit excuses, sometimes.
unbelievable.
unbelievable because no doubt they are terrible lies.
it's okay.
i really didn't want to see her anyways.
my mental image of her is of that prostitute from 1984.
so i think you can understand why maybe it might be a good thing that me and her didn't happen.
i was roaming town last night with my brother.
late night walmart to give us laughs.
we walked past this gorgeous girl and when we got close i realized it was the first girl i had asked out after i had broken up with my lady.
and my brother told me she was so fine!
and i told him who she was
"she's way out of your league... she's out of my league!" and he's a pimp.
that's right - i got guts.
what she was doing there at a random walmart at 1 am i don't know. but hey, i was there, too. it's a small world.
we also went to the forum shops to get a gift card for my dad for father's day.
there's a nightclub in the middle of this shopping mall.
hookers / thugs / drugs / alcohol / whores / morons / beautifuls / uglies.
literally - right next to FAO Schwartz the toy store. What a brilliant idea to do that. Good job, Forum Shops.
this whore told me i looked like a lumberjack the other night, because i was wearing a flannel shirt, and i've got a big chest and broad shoulders, and i'm a little stalky and very strong. but she doesn't know i have naked pictures of her. so i've got the upper hand; i love it.
also at the show, my other ex brought her on/off/on again boytoy that she had cheated on me with. and they love me. because i'm funny and cool and she wants me and he wants to be me because she likes me but she doesn't want me because she's a tease and teases herself and me.
that's a mouthful. and it's awkward. she's moving to new york with him.
good, good for them. go fuck off in the big apple, have lots of babies. divorce, and pay child support, you fucking cocksuckers.
the show itself, the bleachers friday the 13th show was good. half the crowd was girls. and all of those girls had their cellphones out texting and carrying on with other dudes in the audience. so disrepectful. it made the show bad because the band saw that, got disheartened, and didn't want to play. what a fucking shame. we go through all that to set the show up and set the equiptment up. terrible. people - people are a plague.
all we can do is try.
all i can do is try.
and i do try but i fail all the time.
and i'm really tired of it.
and i'm gettin misty-eyed because i just want to be happy,
but i can never be happy.
i don't know what i need,
but i know i need to hear my heart ticking again.
this black hole in my chest is not cutting it.
my ex told me tonight that she might move away, because she doesn't like living here anymore.
and that hit me like a ton of bricks.
then she'd..
she'd really be gone.
gone for good.
but she is right now.
she's gone right now.
but then she'd really be gone forever.
i could tell she didn't want to hang up.
i don't know if i wanted to or not.
but i did.
this post is scatterbrained.
just like me.
sorry if it's hard to follow.
i wear my heart on my sleeve,
it beats to no drummer,
and it's getting cold
as the sun sets around it
that pain in my skull is growing..
and i had something i wanted to say right here, but i just can't remember it.
i think that pain in my skull ate it.
but anyways,
that's what's up.