our spines weigh a ton
we think our thoughts backwards
our eyes turned inwards
all the blood flowing the wrong way
everything is not as it should be.
i feel paralyzed tonight
attacks of panic
short breaths of air
one of my father's best friends died
and i heard the sadness in his voice
he is away on business in utah
he told me
you've not experienced this in your life yet, daniel..
but when you reach 45 you begin losing your friends
frequently and unexpectedly and it never gets easier
my father is in his mid sixties
his friend died in a car accident in idaho earlier this evening
he had fallen asleep behind the wheel and perished in the ensuing accident.
a few years back my father had saved him when he had a heart attack
dialed 9-1-1 he recucitated him until EMT's arrived.
had he not been there he would have surely died, said the doctors.
and now it's bittersweet
to lose your friend to something that you could not, and can not control
.
i admire my father for being the strongest person i know.
ive only seen him cry at his parents' funerals.
.
my uncle told me a story about my grandmother who died of alzheimer's the other day.
when i was playing piano
he sat next to me and said
"katy would have said, 'no, not like that .. like this!' and then played masterfully in front of you"
and during her late years she could remember no one.
but, as he began to tell me..
one day
she walked out into her living room
sat down
and played the piano again
like she had never lost it
and the caretaker called my aunts and uncles at their places of work just so they could hear over the phone
and after that day
she never recovered.
she knew no one,
and she did not know how to play the piano.
she simply walked back to her room and laid down.
as it all slipped away from her.
her husband, my grandfather lee.
loved her dearly
he lived only for her
and a few months after she had died
he got up to use the restroom
and collapsed
his heart stopped
dead before he hit the floor
and after his funeral i saw him.
i saw him in the house
i still see him, sometimes.
the last i saw him was months ago.
i saw his circular glasses shining in the darkness as i was recording a guitar part
and as i played the track back i could hear him saying my name
i played it for my father and smiled.
"yes thats him"
he would always sing daniel in the lions den to me
and oh danny boy
and at his funeral they played oh danny boy and
.
i felt so bad.
because that was my name.
and i was very young.
my father sees his departed friends sometimes too.
he told me.
he asked me not to tell anyone because they'd think he was crazy,
but i told him no.
because ive seen souls too.
out of the corner of my eye.
out of the corner of his eye.
"i'm not scared"
".. i just wish they'd come a little closer"
you and me, devil, are one big open darkness.
i have no faith in you and me
and i have not the slightest idea where this will lead me
but you and me are here now
let's make the best of it.
you and me.
me and you.
standing face to face.
in eternal conflict.
challenge me.