i've got one of those feelings that's too hard to describe.
it's late, i have to work tomorrow.
it's been a day. a good day, but a day.
it's a little after midnight,
taking my boots off.
been trying to clean up the room
but ended up making more of a mess,
and i've been sorting through it all.
i found a mixtape that i keep throwing
in the keep pile.
a real mixtape. not a cd.
from a girlfriend long past.
she wasn't much of a girlfriend;
hell she wasn't even much of a mixtape maker.
but i still appreciate it.
it's all i have of her now.
all i have of how she used to be.
i've got this weird anxious feeling.
one of those feelings that i can't put into words.
every word is wrong.
but i'll try to make sense of it anyway.
even though it's a little past midnight,
it feels like the sun is just about to rise.
like i haven't slept all night
and tomorrow's the first day of school.
the neil young is calming me.
it helps.
i need something sweet to sing me to sleep.
i learned a lot about myself today.
that's why it's been a day.
i want to say that i miss you.
i want it to be that easy.
but i don't.
honestly, i don't miss you.
after all the things you did.
i could never miss you.
not fully.
i miss what we had.
i miss who you were.
but you, i don't miss you.
you're not the same.
do i hold it against you now?
no.
i hold it against the person you were.
i hold that flame to the candle we once shared.
how could you do that? to yourself? to me.
then again, there's me.
i'm no angel, but i'm no demon.
it's almost 1 a.m. now,
and the feeling has passed.
i'm ready to go to bed.
you know what word is funny?
yucky.
yucky is a funny word.
but it also sucks because that's how i feel inside.
yucky. a muck. a muck that's run.
i don't want to be lonely anymore.
i'm done, over it.
i'm just done.