it's been so long.
i'm more than ready.
not "ready as i'll ever be"
just ready.
ready to take on any hill
that stands in my way
ready to find gold
ready for your apparition to appear
i want to walk through hell to find heaven
i don't want to conquer
nor do i want to destroy.
i'm not here to defeat something
i've been defeated
i've been destroyed
i've been let down.
appear damn you, appear!
i command you to show yourself at once.
i mean really what the fuck?
the dark seems a little darker.
the bed seems a little emptier.
and my heart pumps a little less.
but my spirit is a fighter.
i'm a loner that doesn't want to be a loner.
a lover that wants to be a lover.
a go-getter than hesitates.
a mean mother fucker that's a push over.
a cool guy that never gets a break.
a man in shadows that loves the dark
but loves the people who live in the light.
forcefully calm.
a ghost that's not dead yet.
but once you step into my world
you see that it's so vast
and not dark
and brighter than a million suns
green with flowers in bloom
long stretch fields
and gardens to boot
smells of spring, breezy, calm, cool
and i don't see why no one else sees it
it's almost like i'm not a choice by default
like it'd be strange to be with me
a great guy
that's single
that works full time
that has dreams and aspirations
that goes to school
that supports and loves his family
that loves art
that doesn't act macho
but is tough
that has an active imagination
if i'm a catch, then why do you drop the ball?
it's frustrating.
insanely frustrating.
maybe it's not my time yet.
i don't know about you,
but it always feels like others
are having their time
i'm stuck in a rut
shaken up
left to stir
i want to say that i don't know what to do anymore
i want to say that i miss you
i want to break down and give up
but i don't
i don't want to write this
but i do
and i look at it later
and i hate it
i hate writing it now
i hate writing this
but it's all that comes to my fingers
i'd like to tell you that my day was good
that my fucking bitch lady manager didn't get on my case that much today
better than most days, really
but all my days are the same
my nights are great
i love hanging out with my brother
we have great times
but something's missing
i don't want a fucking soul mate
i'm not a poor sad soul
lord, just give me somebody to pass the time with
that's all i ask
.
break the pattern
move in zig zags
heed no words
reach out your extending fingers in the dark
live your own path
make no roads
find a way
live the dream