torn to shreds and left to glue my own pieces.
i've blotted out so much from my memory.
but there are some things even i can't suppress,
i can smell you right now. your scent.
the one that makes my heart move.
clear as day.
but it is painful.
for you are dead to me.
and i am alive.
my head contains so many dark thoughts.
almost as if it lives in a cave on a dark island.
i listened to eisley in the rain with the windows rolled down on the way home tonight.
my eyes hurt and long for rest.
but i'm up.
reading about biblical references in johnny cash's song the man comes around.
i'm off for a week.
paid vacation.
it's nice.
finally a little reprieve for all the work i've done.
it won't last long. i will make the best of it.
i am so tired.
the minute i lost you
i flung myself straight into the center of the earth.
and i've been slowly crawling my way up from the core.
the journey's been so draining and complex and liberating that i've almost completely forgotten you.
but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about you.
does that make sense?
it shouldn't.
i'm at a point where i'm not hung up.
i am beyond that.
i am not searching for a soul mate.
i'm not even searching for love.
i don't know what i'm looking for.
i just know that i have a couple of things in mind that i want to accomplish that will make me happy and contribute to the people i love around me.
that's all i want.
i'm tired of feeling like a smoldering coal.
hot and left to simmer til ash.
ah,
that was her name.
what happens to a man when you take away everything that means something to him?
when you take away his love,
his sunrise,
his reason for being rational..?
well.. you get me
you get an emotional out of control black star
gravity pulling from every sort of direction.
i have overcome adversity and am now in control of my direction.
but i sit here a year and a half later and i can still smell you.
and it hurts me so.
but it hurts the old me.
not the new.
because you're not with the new me.
that's for me only.
and whoever i fucking choose to be in my life.
i was always the last kid in class to turn in the scantron.
turn in the essay question.
turn in the final exam.
because i take my time.
and i make sure everything is right.
because i care about getting there.
i don't just mark "C" all the way down and hope for the best.
i'm a man without limits.
neverending possibilities.
plenty of talent.
plenty of goals.
and plenty of personality.
in this year or so of solitude,
i have not squandered my abilities.
i have embraced them.
i have sought the demons and i have fought them.
alone.
as every person should.
if you don't confront your demons you'll die unfulfilled.
and exist on this plane only as a ghost.
i did just the reverse.
i became a ghost.
and now i become human again.
my heart transforms from whispers into blue and red flesh beating like a drum.
my blood courses through my veins like acid etching it's way through metal.
and my brain finally has a body that is attached.
fully functioning, breathing, no longer a machine, a lifeless thing.
i'm daniel.
i'm pretty fucking cool.
and pretty soon i'll be making waves.
i'll be coming to your doorstep, ready and wearing.
and although i smell you now and reminisce.
that is all that will come of it.
a soft sweet memory that came before the tainted dark meat of what you left behind.
because i'm better than that.
i deserve a whole hell of a lot,
and hey maybe there's a lady out there that deserves a guy like me.
a hard working,
caring,
funny,
loveable guy.
i don't know what more you can ask for.
maybe lots of money.
..i'm working on it!
and why give up now?
even as a ghost i fought to become solid.
and now i am solid.
i've always been a rock but now..
i'm solid, just like my build.
i don't want to say look out world because that's too big of a scale.
i'm going to go ahead and say look out city:
here i come.