all is not lost.
working all day.
going to school on my days off.
bills and bills.
don't even have enough money to buy myself a burger but i scrounge some.
blood and tears.
etc etc
loneliness ensues.
i think of breaking down.
and then i stop.
i see the bigger picture.
that life has more meaning.
yet i still feel sad.
and when i feel that i call upon my brother for advice.
and he tells me to keep moving.
my father agrees.
i agree.
i call to my books and characters.
i let my imagination run wild.
what would they do in this situation?
......
earlier today i screamed in the shower.
loud bellows
like the wolfman howling
and it helped
sometimes you just have to scream murder
........
later on...
i throw on my black and red shirt.
i throw on my old blue jeans.
put on some boots and go for a ride.
out cruising,
going to get myself something to eat
don't care about the world or anyone in it save a few people
and as i'm pulling into to this joint
another car is pulling out
two girls
two very cute girls inside
they look at me for a second
mumble a few words to each other
and then start smiling and waving
i wave back and i feel good
and they speed off
i didn't recognize them
did they recognize me?
did they mistake me for someone else?
was i looking good?
i had just come back from a somewhat failed interview.
i was looking sharp.
slicked back dark wavy hair,
black glasses,
black t shirt
not a care in the world
why wave?
it got me wondering.
maybe there's some hope left for me yet
maybe there's more to me than i see.
maybe i'm involved in that bigger picture somehow.
maybe i ought to care about it more instead of caring about what's not in that big picture.
you can make my day just with a smile and a wave.
because you see..
this boy right here doesn't get any smiles.
i don't get any waves.
i don't get any phone calls,
or visits, or numbers, or names..
i don't even get a hello..
all i have is a guitar, my books, my family, and silence.
all of which i love,
but there's something missing..
i've been working with my brother
trying to turn my life around
in this so called two-year plan
we started a year ago
where we throw me into the mix
throw me into the sea as bait
and wait for the sharks to bite
and see where i go from there
and you'd be suprised how many of those sharks
don't bite
they linger around like vultures,
tease and nick and bite and then leave so very quickly.
how do i convince the sharks that i am the tastiest morsel in the sea?
how do i do that exactly?
do you follow me?
i don't follow me right now.
all of these answers will unfold soon, i hope.
all i know is:
all is not lost,
and that you are never lost unless you allow yourself to be.